Wriging

Ok I'll bite... I wouldn't mind some feedback on this post:

http://moneytowerblues.blogspot.com/2007/03/interview-skills.html

(Sorry I don't know how to hotlink stuff using code).

Anyway, I won't lead my potential critics too much, except to say the obvious - I'm worried about how badly I come off with this one, and I think that may relate to the writing style. Too flippant? It could be one those things where I think it's plenty funny, but no one else does...

Dear Bloglily,

I'd love a some feedback on my 'About me' section:
http://heateatreview.com/about-the-editor/

I've had it up for almost a year, so sometimes it feels old and worn out. I want it to be friendly, but sometimes it just feels like a list.

Thanks,
Abi

Taming The Internet Beast In Us All

Greenghost -- How you read a post like this depends on context -- if your blog's a personal blog where you tell people about your triumphs and tragedies in a straight from the heart way, then irony will be a hard sell. If the tone of your blog is tongue in cheek then it's fine.

Truth is, I read it like it was the beginning of a great novel where the arrogant guy gets a job and then, well then.... all kinds of things happen to him, some bad, some worse, some REALLY bad.

Some blogs are all about voice -- and this one is just obnoxious enough to be interesting without being a complete turn off.

And, by the way, your writing's very, very easy to read. Smooth, effortless and just nicely done.

A point to you for going first.

That's my take. Anyone else?

Abi,

You, like greenghost, have no issues with writing fundamentals -- not any that I can see. (Caveat, of course: I'm not the writing goddess. I just know what I like.) Reading you is easy and fun.

First two paragraphs? Great. A delight. They made me laugh. And they made me LIKE YOU! They also made me think your blog would be a huge amount of fun not just to read, but to follow. Particularly if every post is written like the first one.

Last two paragraphs? You switch tone quite a bit. The writing gets a little bogged down in the details of your jobs and your education path. These two paragraphs are not in the spirit of heat/eat review. Is there a way to rewrite what you've got here so it's shorter and more consistent with the earlier tone of your "about" piece?

Ms. Not So Wicked Witch -- I'm out the door for a little while. This is just to say that I like what you say in this piece a lot. I can think of some ways to tighten it up, get to your point sooner. I'll come back in a bit and tell you more about that.

For now though, maybe others would like to jump in. What you say and how you say it are both quite interesting!

Hi there bloglily. Could you read my About page as well? It's really just an informal introduction about myself and I'd appreciate if you can help me improve it. Thanks a lot!

xine, Happy to -- I've got to go do some Friday night things, but I'll be back! By the way, others should also feel free to jump in here. I couldn't possibly be the only 9rules member who's got an opinion about content!

Great idea bloglily, thanks for starting this thread.
I'd appreciate comments on my post Mass Producing Intelligence.

I'm about to embark on a journey to improve my overall writing style and skill — so any basic and general comments on where I should focus my efforts/what my weaknesses are, are appreciated.

BL: The piece was originally shorter and much tighter but the editor sent it back with a note - "fatten it up" and it's good to go. :)

BL seems to be a little preoccupied, so I'll help out.

Xine, I love your about page. It's chirpy, smooth reading all the way - with a touch of honesty thrown in for good measure. The Idiosyncrasy definition nearly put me off from reading the good stuff, down there, but thanks the heavens I ploughed through.

Perhaps you should consider moving that part to the bottom? I find you talking about yourself much more interesting than you talking about the site concept. ;-)

hthtth, a few thoughts on your writing (not the content itself, though I'm sorely tempted):

The opening wasn't particularly catchy, with a first sentence that seem more of an exclamation rather than a thought provoking question.

What do I do.

Can be changed to - What do I do? - without the bold lettering, which hinders the reading. Personally, however, I'd do away with the what and go straight to the why - because the what has nothing to do with the topic at hand and serves no purpose to draw the reader in.

How about - 'Why do we spend hours and hours hammering on a keyboard; wrestling with the language of machines?' Vigorous English, not impended by the a description of what you do everyday.

I don't think the italics and the bold lettering helped - it was used too liberally, and in the end didn't do much for the helpful emphasis of points.

For example: you could have done away with the bold 'What' 'Why' and 'When', and switched the 'Artificially' and 'Already' to italics.

The italics in 'We're on the gradient fast track from automation to intelligence' serves no purpose - the point can very well be driven across without them.

A better way to higlight particular sentences would be to leave the said sentence as one paragraph.

To conclude: turn the bold text to italics, the italics to normal text, and then read it over. The whole point of italics is to emphasise certain ideas that you want the reader to take note - sprinkling them too liberally confuses the reader and actually waters down what you're trying to say.

And the bold text? Use them for headings - the only other place I see bold text used liberally within the main body is in copywriting - those sales websites that want you to buy some new dating tips ebook. Yours is suppose to be an 'academic' article, don't try to make it sound like you're selling us something. ;-)

PS: The ideas you present are well constructed (though presentation can still be improved upon) - I found myself nodding to most of the points you raised ... and its a pity we can't have a discussion here about your article's content. Good stuff. Keep writing.

PPS: Bloglily, isn't the overall quality of an article both content and writing? I wouldn't like to read a beautifully constructed essay, with half formed, half baked ideas.

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to struggle with the presentation just to get to the gold beneath.

There has to be a balance.

Abi,
I agree with what was said above - your description is fun and light-hearted until you describe your work. Then you get a bit too technical (too much jargon). I'm a non-techie, and I'm still not completely sure what it is you do. Maybe just turn it around and start with the outcome of your work, and one sentence on how you accomplish that. For example: "I help improve educational curricula for kids by developing the systems/programs that support them" etc etc.

Appreciate your comments, shadowsun7. Before, I wasn't sure if I should talk about the site first or about me. Then I went ahead and described the site first. Yeah, I'm kinda considering rewriting that portion because its too bookish or something.

I hope others would give their feedbacks too. Thanks in advance.

And bloglily, this is really a great idea. Is this going to be like, a regular thing?

btw -

Bloglily - thanks, 'slightly obnoxious' was the intent so I guess it may have worked. The other posts are more straight humor and, as you say, tongue in cheek. I'm going to write my first fiction piece this week so check back!

I know I'm a little late but:

I Dream Of You.

Without knowing anything else. What do you think? How does it make you feel?

shadowsun -- you're getting the one point I have ;)

Excellent critique! I really have nothing to add or discuss, just have to go practice now :)

Yours is suppose to be an 'academic' article, don't try to make it sound like you're selling us something. ;-)

Haha. Selling something, ok — duly noted (but begs the question: are we ever not selling something? an idea, a story, our blog?).

One of the reasons I'm blogging is to train myself in writing simple and easy to read text about formal/complex things. I'm a lot better at writing scientific papers where the text is very formal and addressed point-by-point. Unfortunately that kind of text can be extremely tedious to read for anyone except scientists (and even for them). So I'm hoping that tons of casual blog-like writing will both make me a more rounded-out writer and even make my sci-papers more "fun" :)

Just wanted to give you an idea of what you just helped me with. Your comments are very helpful, thanks for taking the time! And thanks for the encouragement on content.

On content vs. presentation: I agree. The presentation is interwoven with what's being presented. Feedback should be balanced on presentation in context with what's being presented.

Kamigoroshi - fantastic writing.

Nothing to say about it - there's nothing wrong, it flows nicely - the latin in the SMS was a touch of class, (though who in their right mind would do so is beyond me >.<).

But it is beautiful.

Dove sono i bei momenti?

To hthth:

You're welcome! And I must thank you for the intellectual food for thought your article provided me (I pondered upon the contents of the post before dissecting the writing). :-) And, yes, we're all trying to sell something, by I'm talking literal here - like viagra or internet marketing ebooks. They do tend to litter bold text everywhere, don't they?

Well, I'm glad to be of service. There has to be a better way of reviewing content as well as the writing in which it is presented - for example I wanted you to clarify the exact connection between intelligence and the disparate fields of 'medicine, biology, mathematics, electronics and so on' ... but couldn't due to the nature of this note.

No matter. I'll leave you a comment. ^.^

Xine -- Yes, I think people liked the idea of having a writing feedback thread once a week. Friday seemed like a good day. There is nothing at all to prevent someone with a desire for writing feedback to post a note any other day asking for a response. People do that all the time around here with design questions. Content matters a lot, obviously, so if you are working on your writing, feel free to ask.

Shadowsun -- Yes, when you evaluate a piece of writing, you're thinking about form and content both. That's different, of course, from a response to a piece that's solely about content -- about whether you agree, or disagree, or know something else about the subject. That's the sort of thing I think goes best in a comment and isn't really the purpose of a critique of someone's writing.

Ms. Witch -- I wonder what that original piece looked like? If you go back and look at the post, you'll see that your piece begins several paragraphs in -- that's where it's the most vigorous and engaging. Other than that, your writing's clear and passionate and your topic is a very fine one. Nice job.

Kamigoroshi, They never do call ahead, do they? I can tell from your post that there's a passionate connection to this woman, which is good. It's romantic. I liked your ending.

One thing I'd work on here is freshening up your description of that connection. Some of the phrases you choose do not deliver the experience of these strong feelings. Because your writing is not always particular or specific, the reader is not drawn into the scene you're describing. Here's an example: "All I could do was stare helplessly as she walked down the aisle." I would like to know things like this: where are you standing (are you crouched down? are you between two old women with big hats? where are you (are you in a crowded church? are you in an oddly empty echo-ey room? is it hot? is it midnight? is it dark?) I don't need to know ALL those things, because that would be boring, but I would like the scene to be set with one or two details.

And a word on adverbs, like "helplessly." A strong, descriptive verb does not need an adverb. Compare "I walked very slowly" with "I strolled" The latter tells me in an economical way what I want to know.

You say "I stared helplessly" -- but really, I cannot see your helplessness by being told you are helpless. I would feel it more if you said, "I stared at the back of her long neck as she swept by in her wedding dress. There seemed to be miles between the two of us." Even, I stared at her is better because the word "stared" tells us you are surprised and unbelieving, which is a kind of helplessness.

@Kamigoroshi
What it makes me feel, in one word: Anguish.

I think that overall you do a great job in presenting the anguish of the dreamer. The repetition of certain sentences works really well and puts the emphasis on the right places, portraying urgency (I ran to stop her. Ran to prevent her..).

Your english threw me off though. I couldn't help but being turned off by bad grammar, as well as mixing the present with the past. It ruined the flow for me. Examples:

"walking towards to" -> "walking towards"
"I know she doesn't want" -> "I knew she didn't want"

Finally, the cryptic ending really just confuses me. Call in advance of what? Call before he dreams of her? Is she telepathic maybe, or the dreamer? Is it that the protagonist finds the thought of losing her horrid, but in real life he's a lot less thankful for her?

The whole story is so straightforward and obvious (and you pull that off nicely!), so the ending seems out of style/should be more clear. Personally I think the whole story would have been better as an emotional story without the twist at the end.

Overall: nice work.

Bloglily - Well, I wasn't talking about my personal reaction to the said piece of writing. For example - it would've been out of topic if I were to talk about the placement of content, or the flow of ideas - since it isn't under the rule of 'writing (style, form, readiblity) feedback' but more in the realm of 'content (the ideas itself) feedback'.

If there was an article about Gay Marriages, and the blogger wrote something that is against what I believe in, I'd not argue of what I think of it over here. I'd tell him how to structure the article, how to put forth the ideas he wants to convey, in an order that would make the most impact on the reader.

Perhaps I'll use the analogy of a novel: right not we're talking about style, form, function, sentence-level elegance; punctuation, even - but we're not talking about plot and character development and themes presented.

May I suggest that in addition to writing feedback we also talk about how to rearrange the content within the said article?

I'll bite! I'd appreciate it if anyone is willing to critique my recent piece:

Due Credit

Thanks in advance. Thanks for starting this note, bloglily. :) I'd reward with some points but alas, I have none. :( <-- sad. Nonetheless, I'm excited to be a part of 9rules. Cheerio! Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Thanks for the feedback guys. I've edited the grammar mistakes that were pointed out and I'll work on the "describing something without using the adverbs for it" part. It is hard to describe cold without using the word cold but I'm still working on it. I wonder if there are exercises for things like that.

Grammar is also my weak point. You'd think 4 years of blogging can improve it, but lord does it take a while.

Few things though. This isn't entirely fiction. It was real. I just had to fill in the gaps of the dream and you know how we tend to forget chunks of it at times.

"Je rêve de toi" is French for I dream of you. Which I did remember her saying right before I woke up. It was something I shared with my ex and I.

I just recently started reading through 50 tips on improving your writing, written by a Mr. Roy Peter Clark from Poynter Institute. So far I've found them pretty enlightening, and he includes excercise tips (Adverb excercises too, Kamigoroshi :-)

I thought I'd share it with everybody that are (like me) striving to improve their writing :) Hope it helps.