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Instant Cowboy: Just Add Water (Short Story)
Written By Gnorb on Sep. 4, 2007.
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Synopsis: New short story. Tell me what you think: Instant Cowboy: Just Add Water
Full Version: Alright, now I know the because of recent events, the subject of evaluating short stories is a sour one, but maybe this'll lighten the mood some.
I decided to take up a challenge from Mur Lafferty's "I Should Be Writing" podcast and write a story called "Instant Cowboy: Just Add Water". I then nefariously decided to steal a clever, marvelously brilliant, and exquisitely original idea from an innocent amateur writer of taking random elements and using them in the story. Here were the elements (and their sources):
* Sex scandals (Nils Geylen)
* Seal hunting (Nils Geylen)
* The old lady had it in for him. (Hrafn Thorisson)
* Rotting fish (Hrafn Thorisson)
* Burning greenhouse (Hrafn Thorisson)
* A large, strange and deep hole that suddenly appeared somewhere. (Hrafn Thorisson)
* A monkey that’s a junkie (Matt Murchison)
* “…and she was hardly aware of what lurked around the corner.”(Esther Tseng)
Anyway, this is the first fictional short story I've written which I've allowed the public to see: all others were either school assignments or confined to my computer, with an audience consisting of my wife, a couple of friends, and my family. And I'd like your opinions on it. The intended audience is the mass market.
Here's what I'd like to know:
1) Did you like it? Why or why not? Even if you did/didn't like it, what aspects did you like/not like and why?
2) What do you see as the strengths and weaknesses in the story?
3) What do you see as the strengths adn weaknesses in the writing?
4) Does the writing style remind you of anyone? Of so, finish this sentence: "This story was written in the style of..." and insert an author's name.
5) Does it work for a general audience?
6) Anything else you believe will be useful.
NOTE: My skin's pretty thick, and I don't offend easily. However, if you say "It sucks" please tell me why, and what you believe I could do to improve it. I may or may not take your advice, and may even debate it (good natured debate, of course) but I'll certainly consider it.
Remember: This is my first attempt at something in the Mystery/Detective-ish genre, not to mention the first public fiction short story, so if you see cliches, please forgive them. (Though point them out so I can avoid them in the future.)
Link: Instant Cowboy: Just Add Water
SPOILER ALERT
Don't read this part unless you've already read the story at least once. The main character is supposed to be a detective who, while not dumb, isn't quite as intelligent as some, mostly because of a drug. Because of the story's construct, the details of the tale are not immediately obvious. In fact, the story is written in limited 3rd person form, and as such only tells the story from the eyes of the main character. You can't always trust what the character perceives, and sometimes have to read the story beneath the story. (This wasn't done too well, however, and a sufficiently intelligent person will see right through what I've done, likely considering me nothing more than a literary brute.) This was my experimentation with a style of writing which doesn't give everything up on the first reading. I'm no Gene Wolfe -- not even a Neil Gaiman -- so don't expect mastery. However, my long term goal is that my stories are entertaining to anyone of at least average intellect upon first reading and can be read again later with greater enjoyment.
Tyme
Written Sep. 4, 2007 / Report /
1) Did you like it? Why or why not? Even if you did/didn't like it, what aspects did you like/not like and why?
I thoroughly enjoyed it.
2) What do you see as the strengths and weaknesses in the story?
You tied up every loose end I came up with...except the obvious of course lol. The story was short but complete to me.
3) What do you see as the strengths adn weaknesses in the writing?
You gave the characters personality while dropping small subtle hints on what might happen...without giving away the plot.
4) Does the writing style remind you of anyone? Of so, finish this sentence: "This story was written in the style of..." and insert an author's name.
Not off the top of my head.
5) Does it work for a general audience?
I think so. I usually turn off on anything cowboy related (Westerns aren't my favorite) and was reluctant to read at first, but I found myself absorbed in the story.
6) Anything else you believe will be useful.
Amazed that you pulled so many weird off-topics and blended them into one. You've inspired me to write again. After reading your story I release how lax my writing has become.
When are you going to do another one? :)
Gnorb
Written Sep. 4, 2007 / Report /
Don't know. I might do a sequel to this one (I have a few ideas floating around for it) or something entirely different. In either case I... really don't know when I'll do another one, just that I will.
Thanks for the feedback!
(By the way, I guess I should have specified that it's NOT a cowboy story, despite the title.)
Tyme
Written Sep. 4, 2007 / Report /
Haha, you can't think of everything. :)
hthth
Written Sep. 4, 2007 / Report /
1) Did you like it? Why or why not? Even if you did/didn't like it, what aspects did you like/not like and why?
Loved it!
2) What do you see as the strengths and weaknesses in the story?
Well. There was an issue in the beginning for me, where I didn't feel very compelled to dive into the details of Monkey's investigation. That was more of a feeling than anything I can put my finger on in the story itself (it may even have been just my mood that day).
Strengths. Can't think of anything specific to say, sorry.
3) What do you see as the strengths adn weaknesses in the writing?
Ah, now here come my rusty nails: I think you totally went over the top mentioning people's names. Or more specifically, the names/descriptions ratio was off. For example:
I kind of felt at times like I was reading a children's story because of this. Especially because most of the sentences are very straight forward and simple (eg. not a lot of adjectives). The story is, of course, told from a third person perspective and I assume you were aiming to induce a particular mood — but I think the use of "he" (or nothing at all) at some of those places would have made a better read.
There's one paragraph in the story that's 4 lines, and "Monkey" appears in three of them :)
[I'm having a very hard time explaining myself, let me know if you catch my drift or if you're not sure what I mean]
5) Does it work for a general audience?
Yeah, I think so, definitely.
Gnorb
Written Sep. 4, 2007 / Report /
You know, one of my biggest fears when writing is making assumptions, which lead to confusion. (I suppose my tech writing is to blame here: ambiguity and assumptions = bad in tech writing.) I tend to do things like say a name over and over again if I'm talking about multiple folks with similar attributes, so as to not confuse the reader. (Two guys, for example: I'm not particularly likely, though it would be safe, to write something like "The weekend trip took Monkey to the Aleutians, where the Senator had recently been spending a lot of his political capital. He observed the him and the two girls getting into a fishing boat.") I suppose in the process of not confusing them I'm annoying them. *ach!* Also, I guess I could start experimenting here with frustrating the reader a bit more, using ambiguity to set up wrong expectations.
I hadn't quite noticed the extent of this, though. I'll make sure to keep this in mind in future writings.
hthth
Written Sep. 4, 2007 / Report /
Haha, maybe if you wouldn't have mentioned the names so often I'd instead be complaining over being confused.
Okay, so to rephrase my criticism a bit: I think I probably wouldn't have noticed if the story would've been longer. As it is, you're getting a whole bunch of action across, but not a lot of descriptions. For example, the naming wouldn't have been so apparent if you would've written something like this:
A few more words in between mentions makes it less apparent. Oh, and maybe tricks like above can help, ie. referring to characteristics (politican, fat man, gray haired bastard, etc.) rather than names or 'him' and 'hers'.
shadowsun7
Written Sep. 28, 2007 / Report /
1) Did you like it? Why or why not? Even if you did/didn't like it, what aspects did you like/not like and why?
I loved it. LOVED it. It was competent, fast paced and it kept interest in the story high throughout.
2) What do you see as the strengths and weaknesses in the story?
Hrmm. It was well planned, and you slowly let out the plot, like a string. Kept me on my toes, it did. Weaknesses? The ending was probably a little weird, considering the pace, but that didn't stop me from liking it overall.
3) What do you see as the strengths and weaknesses in the writing?
I won't go into that. The story was too entertaining for me to worry about the writing. In a sentence: it was competent, at least to me.
4) Does the writing style remind you of anyone? Of so, finish this sentence: "This story was written in the style of..." and insert an author's name.
Gnorb. =) Or Jeffrey Archer.
5) Does it work for a general audience?
Yes. The names were a little confusing, but a flick of the mouse wheel and that was settled.
6) Anything else you believe will be useful.
The ending left me puzzled. I actually spent 5 minutes thinking about it. I felt as if I was missing something, some little twist that I wasn't intelligent enough to pick up on. But in the end I just settled for the explanation that the starting and the ending was rotting fish.
Nifty.